Thursday, August 23, 2012

Yours, Mine, And Kevin's Christmas Story

I think it's pretty safe to say that, if you have explored this blog long enough, you will have noticed two very important things about its author: an intense, life-long love of period pieces; and that I subconsciously live my entire life as if I were in a warped period piece (the Hipster Versus Anachronism post, and the Titanic post are probably good places to look if you didn't grasp this information).
That being said, we're talking about one of my favorite films in the History of Ever, "A Christmas Story".

When I say the History of Ever, I really mean it; one of my earliest memories is looking through our VHS collection, picking out this movie, and asking my mother to set up the television so I could watch it. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize just how engrained in my life this film truly is.
Every Christmas, we put it on while we're trying our damnedest to be festive...
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And, occasionally, we give each other themed presents...
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See that circled package? It's an official Red Ryder BB gun. I kidded my mother for weeks that the package was just the right shape for it; oh, how we laughed when that was what it turned out to be!

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This was last year. All twenty year olds need bunny suits, right?

There was even a Christmas that I gave my sister a leg lamp. Way back in the mists of time, we agreed that, should we ever find leg lamps on sale, we would get one for each sister. By that time, of course, my sister had gone off and gotten married, so, naturally, I never saw the lamp as a soft furnishing in her home (I sometimes wonder if she tried to return it, only to find that I got it half-price).

The icing on the cake, though, was during our marvelous trip to Canada (we don't talk about it). While we were passing through Cleveland, we had to stop at the Parker's house.
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I bought a decoder pin there, which I display, and keep constantly set to B-22.


Fast forward to about an hour ago.
Here we sit, happily sipping our tea in the office. All is quiet, but for the annoying hum of the air conditioner, and an occasional chuckle as we each look (otherwise) silently at our respective screens. Suddenly, the silence is broken: "oh, by the way, I read that they were making 'A Christmas Story 2'", my mother said, innocently.


I put my supersleuthing skill to work, only to find the my mother -- as usual -- is right.


In case you don't want to read the article, let me just summarize the main point: instead of a Red Ryder, sixteen year old Ralphie wants a car. Specifically, this car.
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Why did this have to be done under the guise of 'A Christmas Story'? Does anyone remember 'My Summer Story'? It was a travesty...


It's a similar situation to the remake of 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' that came out back in '05: I didn't see that remake, either.
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Of course, I have an even longer history of a love affair with this movie. For example, the reason I chose a picture from the wedding scene is that, as a smaller child, I got to see the very dress Lucy is wearing in an exhibit at Disney World (this was in October 2002), and I spent a good hour just looking at it from every possible angle. I love that dress so much that, when I saw one practically identical to it in an antique shop a year or so ago, I bought it; as an aside, I'm still looking for a killer pair of blue shoes for it (tried green velvet, it didn't work).

Couldn't the film makers have just used the idea, rather than trying to cash in on the unreasonably popular sequel theory? Instead of Ralphie, call him... I don't know, call him Kevin. That's it, Kevin. Sixteen year old Kevin wants a killer car; Kevin wants a '61 Plymouth Valiant...
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...and oh, how he wants that car! Stuff happens, and at the end of the film, Kevin ends up with a '67 Nova (since everyone knows that Novas have been kid cars since the dawn of time)...
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Kevin is happy, the audience is happy, every-frickin'-body is happy. All's well that ends well. Bam. Have a movie idea on me, Hollywood, but don't ruin an American tradition. The only way this new installment could ever be part of the American tradition is in some sort of alternate universe.


Maybe we should just stay clear of Hollywood as a whole, and leave film ideas to musicians. They do other awesome stuff, let's just add to their workload.

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