You wear those headphones, Santa, 'cause I don't wanna hear that bollocks.
Don't psychiatrists advise against bottling up such emotion? Well, pull out the corkscrew, kiddies, 'cause this bottle is about to blow.
Just for kicks and giggles, I have been paying attention to Christmas music this year -- I know, I know, don't pull out the holy water yet -- in an attempt to analyze just how terrible it is. It all started with one of my stupid, dry jokes about "The Little Drummer Boy", and grew into other stupid, dry jokes from there.
* The Little Drummer Boy
Banging a drum for a newborn baby; yeah, that's a good idea. In one version, the lyric is sung 'then he nodded', instead of 'Mary nodded'. To whomever changed the lyric: you do realize that babies' heads just lollop about, right? They have no neck muscles; he probably just had a little slip or something. (You laughed, see ya in hell.)
* I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
'What a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen...'? Yeah, 'cause Daddy ought to know about that one.
* It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
'A pair of hop-a-long boots, and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Bonnie and Ben'.
Bonnie? That's not a traditional male name; are you telling me that girls want hop-a-long boots, and pistols that shoot? All the little girls I ever knew wanted Barbies. I, on the other hand, had more sophisticated taste in gifts.
What do I mean had?
* Celebrate Me Home
I can't understand a bloody word; but what does 'celebrate me home' mean?
* Do You Hear What I Hear?
'Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king, "do you know what I know?"'. Yeah, a little shepherd boy is going to visit a "mighty king", taunting I-know-something-you-don't-know. That's how you get beheaded, kids.
* The First Noel
'They look-ed up...'. Look-ed? Really? Maybe it's my inner writer, but syllable counts MATTER. They exist for a reason. They are important. Think about it.
* The Christmas Shoes
What is the purpose of this song? I don't know, and I don't understand; like, at all. Did somebody sit down and say "let's write the dumbest, most miserable Christmas song we can devise"? And, more to the point, if 'Daddy says there's not much time', shouldn't little Johnny be at home with his Mama instead of in line to buy shoes? Does Jesus care if you're wearing a brand spanky new pair of shoes when you die? I hope not, 'cause I don't plan on wearing pants.
* Up On The Housetop
'Up on the housetop, reindeer paws...'? Hang on there just a second, reindeer have hooves, not paws. When I pointed that out to my mother, she, of course, took the I-LOVE-Christmas-music attitude of "maybe they meant reindeer pause; you know, like, they stopped". No, Mama. They did not mean stop; if they did, then the writing is weak, and deserves to be made fun of.
THIS reindeer has paws, but that falls under the heading of 'technicality'.
* Walking In A Winter Wonderland
'In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown...'; later in the song, '...we'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman until the other kiddies knock him down'. So, the other kids must really be little sons of bitches to knock over a fake preacher, AND run other people out of a meadow. Public school really does encourage children to be terrible little creatures, doesn't it?
* No Place Like Home For The Holidays
'Gee, the traffic is terrific'? Look, folks, I've been stuck in traffic many times in my life: SoCal, Dallas, and downtown Chicago, just to name a few. Traffic is far from terrific. When we were little (and even now, come to think it), our mother would sing 'gee the traffic is horrific'. I'm inclined to agree.
* Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
'Elephants, boats, and kiddie cars, too'. Elephants? Who asks for an elephant for Christmas? They're endangered, people! My dad's friend, Ben, had something to do with this, didn't he? (Story time: when I was about five years old, I asked Santa for a pony. Three days before Christmas, Ben leaves a message on our answering machine asking when Daddy wanted him to deliver our new pony. I've been waiting for a pony from Ben ever since; fifteen years later, that joke has not lost any of its potency, and I mention the fact that Ben owes me a pony every time I speak to him. If you're reading, Ben, PAY UP.)
Let's hope that the elephant in the song is metaphorical; if so, I want an elephant next year (whoops, I'm having a Conservative moment, again).
Here's another thought to ponder: what the hell are 'rooty-toot-toots and rummy-tum-tums'? They sound like something you order at IHOP.
* Baby, It's Cold Outside
'Mother will be there at the door... Father will be pacing the floor...'. Um, it's called a telephone, honey. They had them in the dark ages before Internet and cell phones. They had this little wheelie thing that you stuck your finger in, and it clicked and spun. Sometimes, you could talk to a real live person, and they would connect you! Sweet Belinda of all that's good and cheezy! CALL HOME. Problem solved.
* Silent Night
It was before you started singing, Asshat. (I don't know why this was in my notes, but I nearly spit tea all over my screen when I read it; it had to be included in the list.)
* Little St. Nick
'Christmas comes this time each year'. Thanks, Brian, we didn't know that. I thought Christmas was bi-annual, and my life was just really flying by.
So, there we have it; just a few observations about some of your favorite carols. I say 'your' because we all know they aren't mine. Sure, there are some Christmas songs I like, but they don't get a lot of airplay.
Why do the videos with the best audio quality always have the dumbest video content?
Happy listening, folks. Only a few more days to go.
Santa, you are not Sir George Martin. Step away from the sound board.
