Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Green Shorts Don't Come Ee-zay

It's that time of year again. The Bachelorette has wrapped, Jake has been effectively voted off Bachelor Pad (this was, indeed, inevitable), so the time must be coming to announce the next Bachelor.
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I've been waiting quite a while to use this picture. Humor me.

I will admit, every time this momentous occasion comes around, I always want the announcement to flash giant neon lights around this photograph...
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I don't know which is worse: that I have carried this joke way too far, or the fact that it isn't actually a joke.

The dream never comes true, but I resign myself to this fact with each passing season. The way I figure it, the longer they wait to cast him, the closer I get to that dreadful age requirement, thereby making it OK for me to sign up for that season (and don't think I wouldn't). What? An interview, you say? You mean, the interview I pretend never happened? Hmmm.
Secure in the fact that Ed would probably not be the Bachelor for 2012, I started to speculate which of the Bachelorette's rejects would make for interesting television.
I settled quite happily with this guy.
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I'm sure that, after cracking through that rigid demeanor, there's raw Bachelor material there. Given his easy going, yet impulsive nature, he'd make twelve weeks pretty entertaining. All of these factors went into my decision; a decision which I would have placed money on, really. I just knew it was coming.
Yet, a mere two days ago, I see the announcement.
And what asshat has been awarded status as the Bachelor this go around?
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Really, Chris Harrison? Really?
Watching Ben during The Bachelorette was painful enough. Besides the fact that his elimination was by far the best out of every rejection in the history of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad franchise, he grated my every nerve. I dreaded the time when the nauseatingly cheerful dentist would squeal with delight at being in his company (a squeal which, by the way, occasionally reached octaves high enough to make my dogs bark), only to have him treading lightly around the poor girl until the last two episodes. Much in the same fashion as The Dentist Herself, he just annoyed me. I have pinpointed the exact moment I just couldn't take any more of Ben as the lets-show-everyone-how-we-talk-to-our-dogs voice-off (2:55, for those who don't really care about the entire clip).
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Contrary to the situation regarding The Dentist, I have no idea if people like Ben or not. As far as I'm concerned, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette have two different viewing processes, mostly involving viewer input, or lack thereof.
I'll admit, though, I'm not enthused.
When I first heard this latest news, I was highly disappointed. What irks me most -- other than the fact that neither of my picks happened to make the cut -- is that Ben, out of all the rejects to choose from, was selected. Yet, the more time passes, the more I start to wonder what the hell ABC is doing. Why are morons continually being given chances at finding "love", when fan-favorites are permanently stuck in reject-limo mode?

Number one in Chihuahua, Mexico!

Of course, it never really matters who the Bachelor is -- Womack, v2.0 proved that -- I always end up watching it. Yet, somehow, I get the impression that I would have enjoyed The Mask as Bachelor more.

At least they didn't pick The Weatherman. I swear, I'd have hated Chris Harrison for it, but watched the awkward trainwreck with guilty pleasure.

Seriously, please keep The Weatherman out of the Bachelor franchise. Really.

And as for Ed, well, the little green shorts will have to wait for another season.
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I never understood the problem with the shorts. I mean, he's not the first guy to wear them.
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See what I just did with that? Clever, huh?

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